Blog literacki, portal erotyczny - seks i humor nie z tej ziemi
Barbara Walters was on the David Letterman show last week. She was discussing her upcoming interview with Monica Lewinsky. She was referring to Monica's low key lifestyle now. Ms. Walters says she just stays inside, knits, " and hasn't opened her mouth in the last year, at least to talk." Her comment left Letterman dumfounded and a very red Ms. Walters.
"And another thing, young man... Don't you dare look at me in that tone of voice!" (I said this to my 13-year old son the other day when he was sassing off to me)
On Women at the Beach (and the watching thereof): It's alright to look, as long as you don't think. - Colin (Savage's brother the puritan)
This is like a really bad hallucination! -Suzanne, on the music in the dinning hall one evening
Is anyone else here exhausted to the point of death? -Shannon
And all I have to do is be at home. And that won't be hard - I live at home! - Rat
For the verbal typos category: Instead of "Is that a threat or a promise?" a friend once typed: "Is that a treat or a promise?"
If I were dead, you'd be quiet! -Shannon
Tee hee hee. I had a violent childhood. Well, to be precise, most of my friends had a violent childhood. Mine was pretty peaceful... - Evil, revealing partial origin of his nick
The best thing to do is just put it in your mouth and suck on it. - Krystyna, About "Flying Saucer" Candies
What? I don't see anyone here who's drunk! - David Katzov at his Hallowe'en party, wearing a blue fuzzy wig
While playing Domino's, my wife said, "you know, it'd be a lot more difficult if their weren't any dots." (she meant to say color)
Well, if this were the American Government, they'd probably kill you for overhearing a government conversation. Killing over there is easy since anyone can get a gun license, and they even have specially crafted toddler firearms: Kochler for Kids (R), Baby Beretta (TM), My First Uzi (TM)... - Lion, perhaps expressing admiration for the American Way of Life (tm), perhaps not.
Typo on a business site: "Our site is not yet complete. Please bare with us."
Occasionally I think about doing something to change my situation, but where am I going to get hold of a Stealth bomber? - Daria
Love your enemies just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards. --R.A. Dickson
"Don't worry, I don't have low self-esteem. It's a mistake. I have low esteem for everyone else." - Daria
"Anyway, I don't think your attitude's so bad. You probably only need one fake boob."
"And the dish ran away with the spoon. But Hawaii was the only state that would recognize the marriage as legal." - Jane
"Well, I, for one, am very excited about this. I can feel myself getting into the modeling spirit... may I be excused? I'd like to go to the girls' room and vomit up breakfast." - Jane
"I always look for security guards leading away someone in handcuffs. Shoplifters are the best judges of merchandise." - Jane
"She has no family. She ate them."
"You can't expect me to choose a boyfriend right away, that would be like eating the first pancake off the stove. You have to feed one to the dog." - Quinn
"I love being the hostess. It's so easy to get home at the end of the night." - Brittany
"The only thing worse than actually reading is watching somebody else read." - Quinn
It shot up like a meteor! - Rat describing Netscape stock... think about it.
I could charge you with sexual assault, but I won't if you sleep with me. - Marian to Lion
My high school's mascot is the golden loin
"Everyone just shit down and shut up!!" My food science teacher.
Also by that same teacher while we were discussing the use of fats in cooking.." Farts can be very useful in cooking"
We aren't part of the problem, we ARE the problem - Ian C.
Look over there, you can hear them plain as day.
My counselor. One night at camp, he was intending to tell us that we would be like, fooling around (pillow fights) etc that night. How it came out: "Come on guys, we're gonna have some camp bed action tonight!".
Why do they always reformat your brain every lifetime? - Devilcat quipping about reincarnation.
"You'd better stop that, young lady, or I'm going to have your face-print across my hand!"
"...and we are making this rectal active" from the lips of a vice president in a meeting. And yes it hurt!
A sign on a heating business in Spanaway, Washington... "Hating Air Conditioning and Plumbing Free Estimates" Donna P.
"...One of my biggest mistakes is that I sometimes say 'Sweet Hitch' instead of 'Heat Switch'. My biggest mistake was when my husband called and asked, 'what are you doing?' I said, 'I'm cooking bakies!'" (baking cookies) -Mrs. Skillstad (My teacher told us these bloopers on the first day of school. She can really mess up these things so she just admitted it.)
"If I were straight, I wouldn't do it." Cody talking to his parents and meant to say
"I'm straight and I wouldn't do it."
"Listen, you don't have to buy me some fancy, expensive rhinestones...just get me the fake ones!" (Terri, who apparently didnt realize that rhinestones ARE the fake ones!!)
My friend Katelynn when desribing what we were doing at my house to Josh: "We're just fooling around". -- Tanya
Does that mean they have more numbers as well? (This was said by my friend Kathy when told that the Danish language has more letters in it than English!)
I had a student this semester write a paper which concluded with the following statement. "I think all people should be exposed to different faucets of society." I resisted the temptation to ask him if he meant just the indoor taps, like the bathroom and the kitchen, or if he meant the outdoor spigots as well. A freind's husband had a student in his class on social Darwinism submit the entire final exam about the "survival of the fetus". - Jessie Powell
"Well, it looks like it's time for me to go addle up ol' Paint." - Hipnick (I meant to say it was time to leave, as in saddling up ol' Paint, not that it was a good time to go confuse an elderly horse.)
I was totalling my hours up and turned to my co-workers and said "Hey, what time did we leave tomorrow?" "What?" they said, except for one who said, "No, he means what time, did we leave tomorrow." "Think about what you're saying." they said in response. "Oh" we said.
I was talking to my friends, telling them about my evening plans, and I said, "I have to go home and eat my family for dinner." Two years later they still make fun of me for it.
While telling a friend about Christmas deliveries on Christmas eve, I said, "People kept coming to our doorbell all day." After laughing about that, I continued with my story and slipped up again saying, "Everyone was diliviling packages."
"SEX" (What I wrote on the blackboard in my high school calculus class, when I meant to write "SEC X")
One time, while on the phone with my best guy friend, I was trying to say "I'm overcome with joy." How did it come out? "I'm overjoyed with come!" (If you don't get it, ask a teenager.)
Female friend of mine in discussion with me came up with this pearl of wisdom, " I swear if I had nothing to do I'd be so bored."
"...That's when it is no longer a living orgasm!" -Katy (We were talking about Cellular Respiration in AP Bio)
"Oh yeah, an Octopus! That's the one with all the testicles, right?" -Grandma (She's senile.. 'nuff said)
("I got it for my third birthday.") - "Really how old were you?!"
My friend was talking about her new Grinch socks. She said, "I just wish they glued in the dark."
When my mother was very young, about 5 or so, she was standing outside with her very strict mother and her three sisters watching a house on fire near their home. She heard the sirens of the firetrucks, and when she saw them, said, "Look, Mommy! Here come the fire****s!" My grandmother was stunned. She's never forgotten it, and I thought I'd share it.
A science teacher talking to students about organizims and life, "You see class, picture your self as an orgasim. It, scientificly would be a wonderful thing!"
My friend's girlfriend on a rainy day: "It's so cold if that if it wasn't raining it would be snowing!" Go figure. -Kenneth
"Put that in your pope and smike it" (My sister's retort at the end of a heated arguement!)
"We've been playing tone phag all day." (After many coherent messages left on a Realtors answering machine, My Mother chooses to "letter swap" while talking to the actual person.)
My dad, on being exasperated with politicians, usually says "If the shoe fits...". This time, it came out "If the foo shits..."
From my medical school professor regarding sexually transmitted diseases, 'Not only can they be spread longitudinally among a population, but also horizontally.'
My friend Lory, trying to get all of us to shut up in the car, yelled, "Squit your creamin!!" Needless to say, we all cracked up! (Jen)
I was about to send my friend Megan a file, and I was like its REEEALLY big." and she goes "I dont think I have enough dick space" when she meant to say "not enough disk space"--Rachel
On an argument with my sister who says I don't listen - "I can listen but I can't hear."
My daughter said this referring to 'retired' Beanie Babies after receiving a Beanie Babie as a gift from my mom: "Thanks Grandma, is this one of the extinct ones?"
Don't chew with your mouth full! (A ditzy cheerleader friend said this with complete seriousness (just like that character on "Daria").)
I was once "Studying" in the library with a few of my friends when one of them said, "Look, it is raining outside!" That seems like a perfectly normal thing to say until you heard another one of my friends, (which is not a blonde) say, "No it is just water"!
One of these mornings you are going to wake up dead. (uhm, no.)
My college biology teacher, Dr. Frasch, was talking about the cells involved in reproduction. He meant to say, today we are going to talk about sexual life cycles, but instead he said, "Today we are going to talk about sexual life styles" (I'm sorry if you don't think this verbal typo is as funny as I think it is. It's a shame you couldn't be there to see how red his face turned :)
My husband and I were leaving a restaurant one night after eating with my parents. They had recently had trouble with their van, and my mother called me after we arrived home and said, "You didn't wait around to see if we needed to be jacked off or not!" (she meant to say jumped off with jumper cables)
My husband was sound asleep and he turned to me and said "Wind the window up!" I replied "Why?" and having heard me he said "Because the cat will get into the car." Having had a successful reply, I continued the conversation with my sleeping husband. I said "What will happen if the cat gets in the car?" He replied "It'll get us" and the losing patience with my asking questions of him, he said in a frustrated tone "Fine... don't wind the window up! It's open on your side and it'll get you first!" He was very embarrassed when I repeated the conversation to him the following morning! It's amazing what people dream about!~
At camp this summer, we were talking about finishing something up, and Christoph made some comment about how he remembered being happy that morning. When we asked him why, he said "I was happy that morning, because I got up." It's probably not as funny now, but it was hilarious!
I was listening to a program on the radio about life after death experiences. Only this one was by the author of a book named "To Hell and Back" recalling those who had experience of going to hell. At the end of the program, the host was telling how the listeners could get a copy of the book and said "For $10 we will send you 'to hell and back'"
One day in gym I said to my buddy Marguerite, "we have gym today right?" when she didn't answer I said, "I guess not," and then realized we were in gym. oops
I am not under tha affluence of incohol! - some guy at a party
"Smegma: I'd never heard of it until it came out of Tom's mouth."
A case where the mouth can't keep up with the brain: I was talking to my mother and I was bored so I said "I think I'll put the ditheth in the dithwather." That 'th' sound just took contol!
After my nephew "scared" my brother-in-law, my brother-in-law said "you shocked me." Since hes Australian, it came out as shucked. Later, my nephew asked my sister what "f---ed" means. My sister had no idea how to answer.
The winters here in Minnesota can be pretty rough. Especially on your car in subzero weather. After spending yet another blustery cold morning getting the car to start, I was telling my co-worker how lucky she was to have a car for her garage. It wasn't until she gave me this funny look that I realized I had mixed up the words car and garage. I think my brain was still frozen when I said it. We got a good laugh out of it! --dmr
Don't speak and talk! -Kiely (ie Don't eat and talk!)
One day my friends and I were making fun of today's slang (such as coolness) by adding -ness to the end of words. We came up with some normal words in the wrong context like "Turn on the LIGHTNESS" but the hilight of the fun was when my friend got up and said, "Well, I gotta pee-ness!" We all cracked up because for one thing, the friend was a girl and there was no way that what she said was true!! ;c) She just ran for the bathroom to hide and, well...
I had gone to a restaurant (Friendly's) with my boyfriend for ice cream one night, and instead of asking for a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Sundae, I asked for a "Reese's Penis Butter Cup.....", then burst out laughing hysterically!!!!--Kara
My mother, upon walking into our garage, forgeting what she was going to say, and sputtering "YNT!!!"
During a recent check up with my Cardiologist... He asked, "Have you noticed your heart beating too hard,too fast or skipping any beats? To which I excitedly answered..."Oh, no Doc,it's been ticking along just like a climax!" Instantly in shock at what had escaped my mouth, I said...."Omg! Doc, I meant to say a ticking along just like a timex!