I

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I say no to drugs, They just don't listen...
I go to bed early. My favorite dream starts at nine.
When I was a kid, all we had to do was just sit around and hope somebody would invent television so we could play Nintendo.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
If I knew I was going to get this old, I would have taken better care of myself when I was young.
If I only had one tooth, I think I would brush it a real long time.
I never watch Sesame Street, I know most of that stuff.
My phone number is 17. We got one of the early ones.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I love defenceless animals, especially in a good gravy.
I don't like to lose be bearings, so I keep them in a cabinet by my bed.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought 'Where the hell is the ceiling?'
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts!
Hookt on fonix werkt fer me!
I'm lost. I've gone to look for myself, so if I get back before I return, please ask me to wait.
All I ask for is the opportunity to prove that money doesn't buy happiness.
As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep quiet.
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
I always win. Except when I lose, but then I just don't count it.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
I am having an out of money experience.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
I am so broke, I can't even pay attention.
I am the world's greatest authority on my own opinion.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
I once thought I made a mistake, but I was wrong.
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
I can lead you to the water but I can't let you drink.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name"
I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I'd be irresponsible too.
I don't think so, therefore I'm probably not.
I figure I'm pretty good with the bullshit but I love listening to an expert. Keep talking.
I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
I haven't found Mr Right, but I have found Mr Cheap, Mr Sleazy and Mr Wrong
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I just got lost in thought. . . . It was unfamiliar territory.
I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard was not what I meant.
I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
I think I've found the trouble with our economy. There are far more ways to get into debt than there are to get out of it.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.
I want to live forever or die in the attempt.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the guy next to me.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
I'm serious; it was a joke.
I used to be Snow White...but I drifted.
I used to have a photographic memory, but it was never developed....
I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
I've gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid before I can ask where I left my glasses.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
Save time ... see it my way.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!
You might as well take all of me--the parts you want aren't removable.
I have an open mind - it's just closed for repairs
I've gotta be me - everyone else was already taken
Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I use to have a handle on life; then it broke.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out!"
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
Having abandoned my search for truth, I am now looking for a good fantasy!
It's been lovely, but I must scream now.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. Although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it, either. So what I am left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can't quite remember.
I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'll never be satisfied until I'm too smart for my own good
Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.
Of all the things I've loved and lost, I miss my mind the most.
That which does not kill me . . .makes me meaner!
It's not that I am paraniod, its just that everyone is out to get me.
Tell your little voices to SHUT UP! I can't hear mine...
I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.
It's your life, I'm just passing through.
You're just jealous because the little voices talk to me.
I'll listen to logic and reason when it comes out on CD.
I finally realized what I should have done with my life. I should have been a consultant, specializing in hindsight.
Nobody's perfect and since I'm nobody...
Some day my ship will come in, but with my luck, I'll be at the airport.
My mind has always been my Achilles heel.
I've gone out to find myself. If I return before I get back, please ask me to wait.
Trouble's always a good shot, and in my case it has a laser sight.
I've always wanted to be somebody. Next time I'll be more specific - Lily Tomlin
I've got a plan so cunning, you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel.
A Nobel Peace Prize? I would KILL for one of those.
An egotist is a person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
As far as I'm concerned, there won't be a Beatles reunion as long as John Lennon remains dead.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.
Sometimes I think well. And sometimes I think, Oh well.
I may be inconsistent, but not all the time.
Optimists may say the glass is half-full, and pessimists may say the glass is half-empty. Well, I say the glass is too damn big!
If love makes the world go 'round, why can't I save a few bucks and get it to run my car?
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
I used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned. Yeah, they put the squeeze on me, said I couldn't concentrate. You know, same old boring rind over and over again.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.
I filled out an application that said "In Case Of Emergency Notify:" I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
The older I get, the better I was!
That which does not kill me... will be the basis for my revenge.
All right! I know I'm in there! If I don't come out with my hands up, I'm coming in after me!
I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Personally, I've always thought of a chaperone as a person too old to make the team, but still in there intercepting passes.
I love being a writer . . . what I can't stand is the paperwork.
Into every life a little rain must fall, but I think someone's mistaken me for Noah. -- Allison Raul
"My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot." - Ashleigh Brilliant

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