Blog literacki, portal erotyczny - seks i humor nie z tej ziemi
The internet
Who is affraid of IRC?
My mam because she has to pay the bill!
The name is Mail... E Mail.
E-mail returned to sender...
Insufficient voltage.
Show me your bookmarks and I'll tell you who you are!
Please note: Any errors in this text caused by my modem being 'funny'.
E-mail Signatures are usually made to compensate for the boring contents of the letter.
'I love you' used to be the most well known words in the world, but they have now been replaced by 'waiting for reply'.
New Mail not found. Executing Blame Sysop Sequence.
In God we trust, all others we verify with pgp-signatures.
Welcome to the Worth While Wait.
The truth is out there? Anyone knows the URL?
God was lucky only having to create a world and not an Internet-site.
If God wanted computers to come, He would have put the 10 commandments on a floppy.
Girls are like internet domain names... the ones I like are already taken.
Error initializing modem. Reroute to tam-tam? (Y/N)
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare.
Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
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Microsoft
"640K ought to be enough for anybody" (Bill Gates, 1981)
What a Visionary, that man!
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software is Only for Fools and Teenagers.
No matter how fast your PC, Microsoft will find a way to slow it down.
Microsoft: "If you can't make it good, make it look good."
Micro$oft: How slow do you want to go today?
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Windows
If God wanted us to use Windows95, he would have give use some more patience.
1945 Hiroshima
1985 Tjernobil
1995 Windows 95
The difference between Windows and a virus: Virusses rarely fail.
If speed kills... Window users may live forever.
Air conditioned environment... Do not open Windows.
Computers are like air-conditioners: Both stop working if you open windows.
Windows is *NOT* a virus. Viruses *DO* something.
Windows... Brings the power of yesterday's computers TODAY!
Windows 95: The first virus with handbook and resource kit.
Windows 95: Proof that you can be 10 years late and still get most of the credit.
Windows 95: 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
Windows 95 at 300 BPM. (Bugs Pro Minute)
Windows NT: Put your wallet in drive A: and press any key to empty it.
Windows 95 user exclaims: "Microsoft, I hate you more than I can tell!"
Microsoft responds: "We sell you more than you can hate."
The magic of Windows... Turn a Pentium 180 into a 4MHz XT.
The box said 'Requires Windows 95, or better'.
So I bought a Macintosh.
I still don't know what will be a wise thing to do:
a. throw Windows on my computer
b. throw my computer on windows
Something is gonna crash anyway.
People says "more memory increases the computerspeed" and they are right: More memory Windows detects, the sooner it crashes.
When you say "I wrote a program that crashed Windows", people just stare at you blankly and say:
"Hey, I got those with the system, _for free_"
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DOS
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename?
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UNIX
UNIX is user friendly.
It's just selective about who its friends are.
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Mac
Never ask a man what sort of computer he drives.
If it's a Mac, he'll tell you.
If not, why embarrass him?
The box said 'Requires Windows 95, or better'.
So I bought a Macintosh.
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Computer
I've no time left for a hobby.
I've got a computer.
The best anti-virus program for a computer is SAVE-SEX.
Leave the plastic cover on the floppy when inserting in drive.
Trying to explain computers to a layman, is like explaining sex to a virgin.
Life would be a lot easier if I had the source-code.
Feel lucky???? Update your software!
Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"
Daddy, what does "FORMATTING DRIVE C:....." mean?
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
I t±ld yo±, "Never±touch ±he flop±y disk s±rface!"
Hold a hard drive to your ear... listen to the C:
hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!!!
Where's the ANY key?
I multitask... I read at the toilet.
I need a drink... where is the SPACE BAR?
Old MacDonald had a PC, with EIA I/O.
There is a bug in the programmer!
Replace me with a computer?
Why?
It wouldn't work either!
I have not lost my mind... it's backed up on disk somewhere.
No computer can do my job... until it learns to drink.
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
How can you respect a machine controlled by a mouse?
Be careful! This taglines is infected by virus!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my harddisk?
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
A bug is a feature that didn't make it into the manual.
All computers wait at the same speed.
Computers are machines to help you solve problems you wouldn't have if you didn't have a computer.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Computer lie #1: "You'll never use all that disk space."
Most applications crash.
If not, then the operating system hangs.
Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
Real programmers don't document.
If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
Computers are not intelligent.
They only think they are.
Life was simple before World War II.
After that, we had computers.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee... That will do them in.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
The danger from computers is not that they will eventually get as smart as men, but that we will meanwhile agree to meet them halfway.
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident.
That's where we come in; We're computer professionals.
We cause accidents.
If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage.
But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it.
Teh compiter, ½ike all mac&ines, has amind of it sown.
Smith & Wesson - The original point and click interface.
I've never had much luck buying computers.
I bought an Apple and it had an worm in it!
The advantage of fast computers is that they make errors in no time.
One never mentioned feature of all computers is their time-distortion field:
When you are busy for 15 minutes and you look up, it's three hours later.
Standard is an expression which in cyberspace has a hundredthousand various meanings.
All programmers are scriptwriters and computers are abominable actors.
Now that hardware and software are constantly improving, computers are becoming more human:
"Explorer doesn't feel like it today...Disconnect, Try again or Failure?"
All PC's are compatible, some more than others.
Nothing made by Man is perfect.
My computer proofs it every day.
A computer does exactly what it's told.
This is not necessarily what you want.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer,
a Rolls-Royce today would cost $10,
get a million miles to the gallon,
and explode once a year,
killing everyone inside.
Home is where the hard disk is.
A picture tells a thousand words.
To make a picture costs more than a thousand words.
A picture is slower than a thousand words.
Computers work logical... It's now up to the user.
People say "more memory increases the computerspeed" and they are right:
The more memory Windows detects, the sooner it crashes.
There are a number of compatibility's between a packet of cigarettes and a box of software.
However, the latter does not carry the warning that the contents present a healthrisk.
Computers are machines to help you solve problems you wouldn't have if you didn't have a computer.
Computers are like women: They generally do what you like them to, but they keep costing money.
Computers are irritating contraptions: They do exactly what you tell them to.
If we never made mistakes the Back-Space knob would not exist.
The weakest link sits behind the keyboard.
My computer and I do no wrong; At worst I may make an error.>
"I wish there was a knob on my monitor to turn up the intelligence.
There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work."
3 things occur when you age.. 1) memory goes 2) uh.. um...
Oops! My brain just hit a bad sector!
In a way, staring into a computer screen is like staring into an eclipse.
It's brilliant and you don't realize the damage until its too late.
Computers are useless.
They can only give you answers.
The real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like machines.
Virus checking initiated... Completed.
All viruses functioning normally.
No matter how fast your computer system runs, you will eventually come to think of it as slow.
I own a Pentium, 'cause it reboots faster!
My computer has never had an undetected error.
Want to make your computer go really fast?
Throw it out the window.
In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would have taken many men many months to equal it.
The more you think you can control computers,
the more you realize they control you.
NO, you cannot dial 911.
I'm downloading my mail!
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from.
May the evolution of the wired society still leave room for face-to-face dialogue.
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
I didn't write this: A very complex macro did.
In the future, virtual nature may be all we have left.
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Computer: definitions
WYTYSYDG: What You Thought You Saw, You Didn't Get.
COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.
Programmer: The device for converting coffee into software.
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors.
The 'Oh no !-second' : The second that you realize that you've done something stupid and it's too late to do something about it.
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Computer: error messages
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
FATAL SYSTEM ERROR: Press F13 to continue...
Hit any user to continue.
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay.
Access denied... Nah nah na nah nah!
This will end your Windows session.
Do you want to play another game?
Windows message:
'You have just made a type mismatch!
Shall I format your brain?'
This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log out"
What are you doing? The message is over, GO AWAY!
Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
SENILE.SYS found... Out Of Memory.
ALTZHEIMER.SYS found... Out of... something.
BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
COFFEE.SYS missing... Operator halted.
COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
REALITY.SYS missing... Universe halted.
CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
REALITY.SYS corrupted... Reboot universe? (Y/N)
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER.
User Error: Replace user, hit any key to continue.
Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)"
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
Dinner Not Ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (S)orry I asked
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened
(A)bort, (R)etry, (C)ontinue to try until it goes away
(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network
(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer